Category Archives: Lament

Storms-A-Brewing

Summer is ending and I am not ok with that. Today was a bright sunny day. We played outside, walked on the beach, shut the blinds and opened the window to feel the breeze at dinner time. The rains are set to hit tomorrow. It will be September, fall is near, and the beginning of everything that’s too much. I am just not ready. We’ve been sprinting too long and the marathon is yet to begin. I want to live the summer that seemed to pass us by.

But I want this season to be over. It has been a hard one, at times, and in ways. Not persistent or constant, tragic or torrential, just hard, at times, and it casts a shadow on the sun, that eventually did come. It always does.

I could detail the woes of business worries, lament unforeseen burdens of new roles in life, complain in the chorus of moms who go it alone while their husbands are gone or work hard, too hard, to sustain their family, follow their passion, or both. I could whine about sickness and chronic pain that renders me nearly useless too often these days. I could go on, get more specific. But I won’t. For I fear I shall be over-shadowing that which is so very good in it all, not a sappy silver lining, but truly, so much is so good.

I fear coming across negative, complaining, self-pitying, not optimistic enough, faithful enough, passionate, content or hard working enough, worry I must work harder to make it better. The weight is upon me.

But you see, it never is.

“My yoke is easy,

my burden is light”

He says.

And I believe Him but

I believe Him and

Life is just hard sometimes

and I have be the one to live mine

not alone, ever

I

Believe

Him.

Tomorrow it will rain

My children will smile,

I will hold their soft skinned limbs

feed and nurture them

with all that I have to give

no matter the pain

we will play

the sun will be there too

no matter the storm

it will just be there, and I will know it, feel it

done nothing to bare it

always

light, He reminds me

light


Pause Explained: Computer Problems (Argh!)

I have been on hiatus here every since I downloaded my Italy pictures to my laptop. I overloaded my hard drive (one theory – I am praying it is true and not something worse) and cannot get my pc to turn on. It was a dumb move. My laptop was running a little slow before I left so I took it in to the amazingly helpful mac store (seriously, amazingly helpful, kind, patient, speak in human) and the genius bar rep told me I just had way to many things on it, showed me how to get a good view of everything I had, brainstormed other ways of storing things with me and taught me how to run some regular diagnostics in the future. I felt affirmed, empowered and equipped to take care of my issues and move forward. What more could a therapist cask for from an IT session?

So, unthinking me, high on Italy, just added a ton of new documents for writing ideas, can’t wait to get blogging and show off some of the amazing Italian vistas and new faces in my life, forgets all this and downloads a boatload of new pictures. Crash!

Well, good ol’ genius bar guy at the Mac store gets me all set up again, again treats me like a semi-intelligent human being, even after I come in tail between my legs admitting I should have known better not to do this and actually teaches me how to rescue my own hard drive so that I don’t have to pay an arm and a leg to someone who will look at me like I just fed my children cyanide. (whew that was a long sentence!)

So, that’s what I have been up to…transferring the entire contents of my hard drive (thousands of pictures, everything I have ever written of any significance (or insignificance), importance, work, creative or practical-life related. Let’s just say I said quite a heartfelt “Amen, thank you Lord!” when he showed me how it all could be retrieved.

That, and all the other tasks, duties, lovelies and grinds of life that I can’t wait to write about. So stay tuned…

* I am so excited to share more stories (and PICTURES) from Italy!
* I am in a season of transition and looking forward to sharing some thoughts, insights and questions around that.
* Always, there are pondering about parenting, faith, life as a mom, woman, child of God to share too – all locked away in that gold mine of a hard drive I am so diligently recovering. (The process is great by the way, such a good chance to de-clutter and take stock, much like moving, which I just did, so really this has kind of been a good life over haul for me.)

Be back soon!


Unrest

On this Sabbath Sunday, so soon after my restful Saturday, I fall into bed exhausted, no rather weary. It was a long day, marked by goodness to be sure: I celebrated the life of my oldest, watched with pure joy as she was celebrated by dear friends, laughed and skated with her, talked long after her early bedtime about the day’s events and some deeper things between a mother and a daughter. I looked endearingly upon my son as he talked up a storm with a younger sister of my daughter’s friend, barely an acquaintance to him, and yet he chats easily and laughs and makes silly faces as if they go way back. He’s just the best thing ever, a charmer who is charming because he genuinely loves. And lest we forget the littlest, drug around all day to church and errands and party, no place to nap or have peace for a little one who relies on it, but for a few precious minutes fell deeply to sleep in my arms like she used to when brand new and I pulled her heavily breathing face near to mine to breath her in. I felt goodness and peace in the velvet smooth of her sweet cheek. I needed her slumber to force stillness upon me for just those few moments today.

I began reading “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp weeks ago and can’t get past the first few chapters as each time I pick it back up and get caught back up I get stuck re-reading the beginning chapters.

“The end will come.
Doctor’s warning or not the end will come, and this life of the bare toes across grass, the sky raining spring down on eyelashes, the skin spread close under sheets, blink of the fireflies on dusky June nights – all this will all end…

“Which road through this brief land? What is all most important? How to live the fullest life here that delivers into the full life after?…

How does one live ready, and always?…But, someone, please give me – who is born again but still so much in need of being born anew – give me the details of how to live in the waiting cocoon before the forever begins?…

How do we live fully so we are fully ready to die?”

Does anyone else live tormented by these questions?

She details unrest and longing and deep awareness of beauty and goodness that so resonates with my soul. The book begins with a vivid scene of her great loss, she gets it, and she goes on to write of the longing for meaning in the everyday-ness of life. I get that.

I will never be carefree to the reality of death and great loss ever again in this lifetime. Fearfulness which took residence years before great loss even hit me personally (but surely to those I dearly love, a trauma of it’s own), when I only held the awareness of the possibility, now takes a permanent place in my lense on life. I see the range of color, the bright, the beautiful, the rare, the true, but always there is the possibility of black, always there is awareness of what might never be ever more.

“Perfect love drives out fear” (I John 4:18) I know, I have that one memorized, along with all the other verses on fear. Made myself a bookmark once. Diligently wrote scripture on my heart. But I am not perfect and still I get scared. I know the verse refers to God’s perfectness but what does that really mean to me when I know that bad things can still happen under his perfect watch? I can trust, (I know, I know) his perfect plan, (yes, yes) but sometimes that perfect plan hurts so damn bad that it is impossible to view life without the knowledge of what might be, both the glorious and horrendous. In full awareness of all that is awesome and beautiful, searing, gut wrenching, and life altering, pain can happen, is happening now, everywhere. My awareness of this, does not weaken my faith but brings me closer to my God who knows this pain even greater than I. Everywhere He is aware of it, and still He is good. I choose to believe. I hope to let go.

I don’t live dark or leary in the day to day and my faith can hold the mindset that I am safe if I just think I am because it is He who is keeping me safe. I know there is a plan. On some level that is comforting, sometimes. Call me Peter, ye is me.

In the wake of loss, the pressure is on to live purposefully even more so, as the stark reality of an un-promised tomorrow always lingers, for me, my children (God no!), my soul-mate. So as I pursue things of purpose, parenting as if it was essential as oxygen, always, always aiming to please God, acting as if His pursuit of me is my uphill climb, much that feels purposeful can also ring hollow, feel “busy”, nothing like the mountain top high seemingly promised. And lucky for me, one who blames so easily, most profusely myself, I then take the burden upon myself – not spiritual enough, discerning enough, self-aware enough, hard-working enough, enough, enough.

I could end with verses that are hopeful, stay true to my title and the undercurrents that carry me along and buoy me to full breath, but the raging surface of the deep waters tonight is tumultuous, and that is where I am. This too true pieces of my humanity. Not at all what I would assign hope to, and yet there is my most favored book of Ecclesiastes that speaks of those times, those times for everything. I feel them all, everything.