Fisher, you would be 4 today. And boy do I wish I could have given you a piggy back ride and felt your big boy weight on my back, watched you build and destroy block towers with your little sister, heard your laugh while we played a pre-school version of talking charades. It would have been good to slurp chicken noodle soup together and read you your favorite stories before nap time. But oh to cuddle you, hold your live warmth in my arms and kiss your soft cheeks. I would do anything to know what your voice sounds like, what you daydream about, what makes you smile and what makes you sad. I’d do my best to make it all better. I wish I could feel all better. It still hurts so much. So very much.

Your big brother sewed you a sweet snowman flannel bag today. Your biggest sis drew you a picture of our family. Harps asked all about heaven and said she loves her baby Fisher like she loves baby Schuyler. We all wrote our words of love to you and hoped the wind would carry them. Their big love for you both warms and tears at my heart.

Wish I had more time to write the whole of what has been on my soul, but your baby brother calls to me to be fed, and as with most areas of life right now there just isn’t the time to write and reflect if I am to be present for these moments now. There is so much more to tell you, so much more to say – in my prayers, in my heart, to scream at the top of my lungs in the lonely places. I love you son. Happy Birthday – someday we’ll celebrate real big okay? You’re irreplaceable.

3 responses to “Four

  • Ann

    Fisher… this child, your child, God’s child. Remembered and cherished forever by you and many. I am grateful to him for bringing you into my life, and sad that his death was what made that possible.
    I send my love to you all today, and every day.


  • kristengough

    Dear Heather, I am praying for you all this morning, so moved by your words and heart. There is so much beauty and hope in your transparency and longing and I am deeply thankful to bear witness to your story, while wrestling with it all before God too. Your faithful, intentional, deep-seeking mother’s heart is an inspiration. Love to you.

  • deadhorsedeb

    Sharing your sorrow today. Relived that incredible video. So powerful. Love your blog: “Fisher, you are irreplaceable.” As the memory of our Big Sorrow washes over me again, I thank God for His promise of comfort, that tears will last for the night, but joy comes in the morning. We sure love you guys.

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