Her words are forming more intellectual these days. His is losing the charming accent of unpronounced letters. The littlest, nearing two, is rambling sounds of increasingly recognizable forms of communication. This, that is so often the background noise, I notice new. As if the violin of the practicing symphony suddenly comes forth clear with a melody, then the cello chiming deeper with punctuated profundity, the fluttery high pitches of the flute weaving in and out, up and down so whimsical, on one of our many car rides to everywhere and nowhere at all. For this moment, only this seems to matter. It is the music, all of it music, if I am listening.
So often I am not though. The things I “must do” cloud my mind, clog my ears, and fills the space for sound in my head.
Need to get to those e-mails – so many half conversation waiting for a response. How many am I forgetting that have slithered too far down on my screen, out of sight out of mind? Think. Think. Oh I used to be so reliable. Speaking of reliable, so many things I am not getting done. Must do. Must do. What am I really doing with my life? What is my purpose? Sorry I ask that God. I know I am yours. What have You made me to do? I love doing this and that, but there’s more, always more that I have no time for. So many things I am passionate about, so many things can feel purposeful. More time. More time. I long for more, and less, all at once. Downtime! That is what I need. Time to get lost in something creative, a good book, a nap. Push pause, that is what I will do, I will nap when my baby naps today. Or maybe write a book chapter! That would be fun. But that would be work. But meaningful, so much more meaningful than the breakfast dishes and crumb laden floor waiting at home for me. Oh and that laundry that is waiting to be put away. Who am I, to think I can get anything done beyond this? Who am I created to be? Dear Lord, who do You want me to be? What do you want me to be about? I want to live that out, I just don’t always know how, or I know too many ways how…eggs, can’t forget to get eggs today. What else do we need at the grocery store?” On and on I go.
So much noise in my head. That practicing symphony of incongruous sounds sometimes sharp and self deprecating, sometimes growing melodic, appearing to go somewhere, until interruption of the next urgent sound breaks through.
“Yes” I say, and I listen. I can hear this and know infinite worth.
I can hear little voices. The one who uses big words. The one who likes to tell long stories. The one whose notes reach such varied heights I could plot them on a music bar for quite the cantata.
Too often, their sounds blend into the noise of my head and I don’t really hear. Facing forward, always driving, in this moment I can see only the beauty of their sounds, and I know where I am to go.
Melodic, heart piercing sounds that I know so well I sometimes forget to take it all in. Tomorrow syllables will form words, high pitches will deepen from a fresh shaven face and spelling words will become essays of eloquence. Where will this time have gone? Like the vaporous mist that rises in the dawn of these chilly fall days, I hope to capture what I cannot keep.
Knowing I have these voices as they are, only today, fills and breaks my heart. I will close my eyes, my mind, push pause on the background noise of everything else, and let these melodies fill my soul.