It seems I should begin with an introduction…
I am a mom, wife, woman, friend, minister, therapist, intellectual, creative follower of God in no particular order other than what is placed before me for a particular moment or day. My life is currently driven by the needs around me; my 3 young children, my business-owner-pastor-student-involved-dad husband, the various volunteer roles I have taken on, bits of work and my desire to live a meaningful life that honors God and who he created me to be.
Jesus sustains me. When I was a very little girl I was aware of God’s presence in my life and never missed a night of “now I lay me down to sleep.” It wasn’t until college when I was being trained to do ministry in Young Life that the relational and personal aspects of my faith came to fruition, and I came to life. After years of ministry, a partial divinity degree and ongoing practice of spiritual disciplines and study, my faith is solid, and yet, I have so many questions. The deeper I go and the longer I journey, the more I wonder, partly because of facing significant loss, I have more questions than answers, not quite doubts (though sometimes I doubt). I am continually pondering who God is, His role in our lives and what it means to follow Him. Most every time I worship I cry. To sing out words that ring true to depths of my soul is so sacred and so searing. There is never a doubt of His existence. The magnitude of love that surrounds me, is promised me, and so undeserved, absolutely overwhelms me.
I desire to soak up every last sweet taste of this season of life with young kids. The pace is too fast and I am constantly fighting against our desires to do things that are fun and life giving, and also pair down to what is most essential so that there is space for us to just be. The love I have for these precious lives I have been given to nurture so fully, for a season is beyond measure. I am ever aware of their new developmental stages and sentimental about each passing phase, wanting to hang on just a little longer. The days go by too fast.
These days are hard sometimes too. Bad things happen, sad things, hard things, horrible things and my heart aches and rages against those things. I will share about those things and how I have sought to cope with them. In addition, as enamored as I am with my little ones, sometimes they frustrate me. Sometimes they are not the charmers that so often melt my heart, and worse, sometimes I am not the patient mom I wish I was. Sometimes I long for their bedtime to come quickly, or mine to last longer. In fact, I always want mine to last longer!
I have way too many interests than time allows! I adore being a mom to little ones, but I like to do other things too – career and creative. I am continually wrestling to find the magic formula that will bring fulfillment without craziness.
Relationships, complicated and fascinating, are life-giving and the most profound revelation of God’s existence in my life. I like to learn about them, encourage healing in them, but above all value and nurture the amazing ones I have been given. There’s a bit of introverted homebody in me too. If ever I were given a shot of time to myself, I could be quite well engrossed in a solitary activity and find it refreshing. I am on that Introvert/Extrovert line in the good old’ Myers Briggs Personality Assessment and owning that reclusive side of me more and more as I get older.
How to describe oneself fully in a nutshell? I guess that is the point of a blog; to begin to unravel some parts of myself, to wrestle with what is put before me and consider what God might be doing, teaching me or allowing me to experience, where He might feel absent and where He is most unmistakably at work. If I could put a theme to this, it would be the wisdom I witness and draw from the biblical book of Ecclesiastes; that life can be difficult, horrible, feel meaningless, amazing, heartbreakingly beautiful, and meaningful beyond measure.
I’ve been contemplating doing this for a long time, God told me to begin writing, I believe, and this is a place to begin. In all honesty it scares me to lay parts of my life bare, but then, it scares me more to never get out of my head what is on my heart. So here goes, I am diving in…it would be a privilege for you to join me.